Reflections and Choices

We're approaching the end of the year and I've been feeling really reflective.  I think it happens to the best of us around this time.  It's hit me especially hard this year because 2011 has been what I would consider the worst of my life.  I've actually had a run of bad years as of late.  I could choose to let that get me down, but instead I'm choosing to use that as a stepping stone to make 2012 fantastic.

In November of 2009 my stepmother (of 25 years) passed away suddenly at the age of just 50.  That was extremely difficult to deal with.  My brother was in his early 20's but still lived at home, and he instantly became displaced.  My sister was only 20.  Neither of them could cope with much of the planning or decision-making, and as the oldest all of that naturally fell to me.  And it was hard.  And I'm not very good at mourning.  It was a rough time.

In April 2010 my grandpa passed away.  It was not sudden or unexpected, but he had been sick a very long time.  Every year at Christmas we all said "appreciate your time with him, this could be his last".  I think we had said that for at least the last 10 Christmases.  And he kept on hanging on.  And we all sort of stopped believing that "it might be his last" because he was so resilient.  But last April he finally lost the fight.  And I took that loss extremely hard.  Harder than I even expected I would.

My grandpa left behind his 96 year old mother.  We always said that she would hang on to take care of her sick son as long as he needed her around.  And she did.  But just a few months after he passed, so too did she.  Yes, 2010 was rough on me too.

In 2011, I haven't lost anyone I've loved and for that I am grateful.  But I almost lost everything else.  My husband and I have been married for over 7 years.  We have two beautiful little girls.  We have a life that I love.  But this year, we didn't take care of it and we almost lost it all.  We came to the very brink of divorce.  And it would have been justified, and no one would have blamed me for leaving, but it's not that easy.  I wasn't willing to throw away almost 9 years of history.  I wasn't willing to walk away from my partner, my best friend since we were 22 years old.  I wasn't willing to sacrifice my childrens' family or future. 

Together we have spent 6 months living in and going through hell, to fight for our family and our relationship.  We have kept our childrens' home together, and kept it running smoothly, and protected them from the hard work we were doing behind closed doors to keep it all together.  We have fought, and it seems we have won.  But it was a terrible year in the making, a terrible year to get to where we are today.

I know that there are still hard times ahead.  I know that my current situation is such that I will have to continue to choose my husband, even when some days I don't want to.  I know that I will still get down, feel sad, be exhausted from the weight of it all.  But I also know that I can choose how to respond.  I can choose to find happiness and joy in my life.  I can choose to make 2012 huge and wonderful and exhilirating.  I can choose to make 2012 different.  I can choose to really live in 2012.  I can choose.