Thursday, December 22, 2011

Reflections and Choices

We're approaching the end of the year and I've been feeling really reflective.  I think it happens to the best of us around this time.  It's hit me especially hard this year because 2011 has been what I would consider the worst of my life.  I've actually had a run of bad years as of late.  I could choose to let that get me down, but instead I'm choosing to use that as a stepping stone to make 2012 fantastic.

In November of 2009 my stepmother (of 25 years) passed away suddenly at the age of just 50.  That was extremely difficult to deal with.  My brother was in his early 20's but still lived at home, and he instantly became displaced.  My sister was only 20.  Neither of them could cope with much of the planning or decision-making, and as the oldest all of that naturally fell to me.  And it was hard.  And I'm not very good at mourning.  It was a rough time.

In April 2010 my grandpa passed away.  It was not sudden or unexpected, but he had been sick a very long time.  Every year at Christmas we all said "appreciate your time with him, this could be his last".  I think we had said that for at least the last 10 Christmases.  And he kept on hanging on.  And we all sort of stopped believing that "it might be his last" because he was so resilient.  But last April he finally lost the fight.  And I took that loss extremely hard.  Harder than I even expected I would.

My grandpa left behind his 96 year old mother.  We always said that she would hang on to take care of her sick son as long as he needed her around.  And she did.  But just a few months after he passed, so too did she.  Yes, 2010 was rough on me too.

In 2011, I haven't lost anyone I've loved and for that I am grateful.  But I almost lost everything else.  My husband and I have been married for over 7 years.  We have two beautiful little girls.  We have a life that I love.  But this year, we didn't take care of it and we almost lost it all.  We came to the very brink of divorce.  And it would have been justified, and no one would have blamed me for leaving, but it's not that easy.  I wasn't willing to throw away almost 9 years of history.  I wasn't willing to walk away from my partner, my best friend since we were 22 years old.  I wasn't willing to sacrifice my childrens' family or future. 

Together we have spent 6 months living in and going through hell, to fight for our family and our relationship.  We have kept our childrens' home together, and kept it running smoothly, and protected them from the hard work we were doing behind closed doors to keep it all together.  We have fought, and it seems we have won.  But it was a terrible year in the making, a terrible year to get to where we are today.

I know that there are still hard times ahead.  I know that my current situation is such that I will have to continue to choose my husband, even when some days I don't want to.  I know that I will still get down, feel sad, be exhausted from the weight of it all.  But I also know that I can choose how to respond.  I can choose to find happiness and joy in my life.  I can choose to make 2012 huge and wonderful and exhilirating.  I can choose to make 2012 different.  I can choose to really live in 2012.  I can choose.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Treadmill Shopping

Like I said yesterday, my treadmill has a GIANT hole in it and I'd rather put money into upgrading to a better one than sinking money into a repair that costs as much as the treaddy did in the first place.  I still have absolutely zero idea how the deck got a hole in it.  I don't run with weights or kettlebells that may have fallen through it.  The weight limit is 300 pounds and neither my husband or I come close to exceeding that.  We don't use it for hours of long running or crazy bouts of speed (although realistically it should even hold up to that).  Regardless, it's now a worthless piece of junk and I get to go treadmill shopping.

Here are the contenders (in no particular order):

  1. Freemotion Xtr
  2. Horizon Fitness T202
  3. Horizon Fitness T203
  4. Bowflex Series 7
Unfortunately I am not independently wealthy, so this purchase is kind of a big deal to me.  I'm feeling the pressure because I do not want to screw this up!  If I make the wrong decision I will be sad for years to come.  I'm going to continue scouring the interwebs for reviews of these models (and maybe others) and try to make a decision this week.  I need a way to run SOON.  Losing my stress relief has NOT been good for me!

Anybody have any opinions on these or other treadmills.  Any that you love?  Or hate?

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

I Haven't Been on a Run

I haven't run in awhile.  Despite proclaiming that I'm going to PR.  Which I'm still totally going to do.  But, Winter has set in hard and work has set in harder.  I've been getting home after dark every day.  And my treadmill has died it's last death I think.  I've run on it twice recently and it felt really bouncy and saggy.  I decided to investigate and found that (unbeknownst to me) it is made of really thin crappy MDF board inside the treadmill deck, and somehow that MDF now has a big hole in the middle of it.  It costs $129 for the materials to fix it, and the labor is probably astronomical.  And I only paid like $350 for it, so not sure I wanna go there.  So the bad news is that I haven't run.  The good news is that I've been treadmill shopping.  Soon I will have a newer, cooler treadmill and I'll be running again!

The other problem with running is that my husband had his tonsils removed on Thursday.  See pitiful man below:

I've been playing the good wife and taking excellent care of him willingly, HOWEVER:

  1. I spent 7 hours in the waiting room on surgery day,
  2. then another couple of hours making a pharmacy run and a grocery run for soft foods.
  3. I don't mind doing either #1 or #2, BUT THEN
  4. I pick my 2 kids up from daycare and my darling eldest eats dinner and then pukes it back up.
  5. She puked all night long.
  6. Including on the white carpet and several of her clothes.
  7. I had to shampoo the carpet and wash laundry at 11 PM.
  8. I normally go to bed at 9 PM.
  9. Oh yeah, she also lost a tooth that day so I had to remember to play the tooth fairy.
  10. And I'm basically a single parent through all this because my husband slept for about 48 straight hours after the surgery.
  11. I don't begrudge anyone for any of the aforementioned things...but you can see why maybe I wasn't able to run over the weekend?